


you kept me around long enough (to believe i am enough)

by smooth



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Also they're friends from college. Sorta., Alternate Universe - Soulmates, And there are other characters mentioned but like yeah, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-25
Updated: 2016-01-25
Packaged: 2018-05-16 02:54:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5810890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smooth/pseuds/smooth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke’s not her soulmate, Lexa knows, but 3 years later she is a senior and her closest friend (she and Anya still talk on a regular basis but Anya got an internship in a big law firm after college and well, Lexa’s not a little kid anymore, she knows nothing lasts forever). Lexa has been working in this insurance company for almost a year now and well, it isn’t exactly what she wants but it isn’t half as bad either. It pays the bills and everything. Nothing in Lexa’s life is exactly what she wants it to be, really but she’s learning to be okay with that, be happy about the small things in life.</p><p>or</p><p>Lexa's wrist might be saying one thing but her heart wants something else entirely.</p>
            </blockquote>





	you kept me around long enough (to believe i am enough)

**Author's Note:**

> I AM ALIVE! Soon I won't be though, because it's 3:30 am and I have a final exam tomorrow :))) Which I haven't studied for :))) HahaAHAHA.
> 
> Anyway. I haven't written in such a long time. This fic was inspired by an Octaven one bc I'm really into that ship but I can't write it for shit. Please, guys, write Octaven, it's important, ok??
> 
> Also title is from A. Davida Jane's poem "My best friend bleeds gold". But really, all of her stuff is amazing.

It’s Clarke’s text that wakes her up even though her phone is on vibrate and on her desk which is in the other half of the room. Lexa trips half-asleep on her way to get it because if it’s Clarke and she just knows it is, then it surely must be important.

 

**Dr Clarkenstein (7:30 am):**

**_I just saw the prettiest girl ever_ **

****

There’s a photo attached and when Lexa opens it, she sees a cute white bulldog with brown ears and belly, tongue out and a steady trickle of saliva dripping out of it. Clarke’s fingers are barely visible under its floppy chin.

See, obviously important.

 

**Dr Clarkenstein (7:35 am):**

**_Her name is Madonna_ **

****

Lexa snorts out loud and types a reply.

**Lexus (7:37 am):**

**_Where did you find her so early in the morning?_ **

****

Her phone stays silent for a couple of minutes and just when Lexa’s stomach starts clenching a little in worry, the screen lights up with Clarke’s grinning face on it. Lexa grins back at it and swipes right.

“Hey,” She murmurs, voice barely above a whisper even though she can hear the wind howling and Clarke’s slight panting in her ear as if she’s just been running.

“MORNING,” Clarke’s voice booms back and she winces at the volume of it. “LEXA, CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

“I can actually, and my eardrums feel pretty assaulted right now.”

“OH, sORry,” The other girl lowers her voice but still keeps it louder than Lexa would like. “I didn’t mean to WAKE you up.”

Lexa sighs and just accepts the fact she’ll be deaf in one ear by the end of the conversation.

“It’s okay. What are you doing awake so early? Is everything okay?”

“wHAT? Oh yeah, yeah, EVErything’s alRIGHT, mom acciDENtally woke me UP while getting READY for work so I deCIDED to go JOGGING.”

“You and jogging?” Lexa can’t believe her own ears. “Are you sure you’re alright? Am I even talking to Clarke, hello, is this a wrong number?”

“HA HA,” Clarke replies with an actual yell this time, obviously on purpose. “I was JUST about to ask you TO HAVE breakfast together BUT if you’re gonna be mEAn to me, I’m hanging up.”

Lexa can’t help it, she smiles even though she knows Clarke can’t see her. She smiles so big her cheeks start hurting.

“Okay, okay, I’ll be in front of your house in an hour.”

“yEAH, take MORE money, you’re PAYing for bEING an ass!”

Lexa laughs, “Yes, ma’am,” and Clarke throws back an affectionate “Later, nerd” before hanging up.

Lexa catches herself smiling at her phone like an idiot then her eyes slide slightly lower to her wrist and she freezes a little, a reaction she hasn’t quite learned how to smother despite knowing Clarke for years now.

 _Why not both though?_ Very different from _Decaf, are you for real?_ and it has Lexa’s heart breaking a little every time she looks at it.

\--

Lexa met Clarke the first day of junior year in college. Well, she was a junior, Clarke was barely a frosh and both an endearing and a ridiculous sight as she circled the halls of the faculty, a stack of paper in her hands and the most lost expression on her face. She dug into her papers periodically, eyebrow scrunching in confusion as she read whatever was on them, then raised her head, opened her mouth as if to ask something and then stepped back, flushing, as nobody seemed to pay attention to her.

Lexa was leaning against the stair railing, a Starbucks cup in her hand, her best friend Anya sitting on the stairs, legs stretched and effectively impeding people from passing.

“What are you waiting for?” Anya’s voice interrupted Lexa’s blatant staring. “Go help the poor girl.”

Lexa blinked a few times, shaking her head and trying to wrap her head around the other girl’s words. “What?”

“You’ve been staring at Blondie for five minutes now. Just go talk to her. Show some old lady charm,” Anya gave her a crooked smirk like the teasing bitch she was.

“Excuse you,” Lexa frowned in mock offense, “what old lady charm, this girl’s like 18.”

“Exactly what I’m saying, Lex, she’s barely legal and already prey to a hungry cougar.”

Lexa gasped in horror which quickly turned to laughter as she made a sharp movement with the hand holding her coffee towards Anya, threatening to splash her. The other girl laughed along before becoming serious again.

“For real though. Go help this chick, I’m starting to feel sorry for her.”

“Whatever,” Lexa rolled her eyes but still pushed herself off the railing and headed for where the blonde girl was still fumbling with her papers. She was almost there, mouth already opening to offer help, when an elbow roughly shoved her in the back, making her stumble and the coffee cup slide from between her fingers.

Directly onto the girl’s papers. And her jacket. But mainly the papers.

The blonde gasped, instinctively throwing down everything she was holding and just staring helplessly at the mess on the floor.

Lexa felt like dying from embarrassment.

“Holy mother of Jesus, I am s _o_ sorry, you have no idea,” She immediately bent over to collect the soaked sheets, shaking them left and right in a laughable attempt to dry them off. She was about to start blowing on them or something when she noticed the amused look the girl was giving her and froze.

The girl simply arched an eyebrow.

“Decaf, are you for real?” She snorted. “Who the fuck goes to Starbucks and orders decaf?”

And like that Lexa’s whole world was turned upside down.

\--

Clarke’s not her soulmate, Lexa knows, but 3 years later she is a senior and her closest friend (she and Anya still talk on a regular basis but Anya got an internship in a big law firm after college and well, Lexa’s not a little kid anymore, she knows nothing lasts forever). Lexa has been working in this insurance company for almost a year now and well, it isn’t exactly what she wants but it isn’t half as bad either. It pays the bills and everything. Nothing in Lexa’s life is exactly what she wants it to be, really but she’s learning to be okay with that, be happy about the small things in life.

So yeah, the words on her wrist say _Why not both though?_ and those on Clarke’s wrist say _Wanna try me, princess?_ and Lexa has to fight the desire to kiss her every time they are together. And one day, hopefully sooner, she’ll be fully okay with that.

\--

Clarke’s not waiting for her when she arrives so Lexa does what every best friend does and invites herself over at her house. Well, she knows where the spare key is and they’re both used to entering and leaving each other’s homes whenever they please.

Clarke’s standing in the middle of her living room, clad in panties and a tank top, and drying her hair. She’s not wearing a bra and Lexa very pointedly doesn’t stare at her nipples.

“Hey, babe, I’m almost ready!” Clarke yells over the hairdryer.

“Mm,” Lexa tears her eyes off her chest and feels her cheeks flush. “Oh, yeah, yeah, I’m just going-” She points lamely behind her back, “to the bathroom.”

Once she’s in the bathroom, she spends like two minutes washing her face and another five, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She’s smeared her mascara so she tears a piece of toilet paper and violently wipes it altogether. Her eyes are a little bloodshot by the time she’s done.

“You’re gonna be okay, kid,” Lexa tells her reflection what Anya used to say to her when they had too much homework or like five finals in a week. “People like us always are.”

There’s a knock on the door and she hears Clarke’s slightly muffled voice. “Lex, you alright in there?”

Lexa jumps a bit and throws the piece of paper she’s been clutching in the bin. “Coming!” She yells back and opens the door so quickly she almost slams into Clarke.

The blonde glances at her lips so fleetingly that if Lexa wasn’t staring at her the whole time, she wouldn’t notice, and laughs a little breathily.

“You were totally shitting in my bathroom, weren’t you?” Lexa feels her eyes widen comically. “Dude, don’t you have a bathroom in your house, that’s disgusting!”

Lexa snorts and waves her hand in Clarke’s face. “Sure did and I didn’t even wash my hands after, see?”

“Ew!” Clarke giggles and tries to swat her hand off and during the next couple of minutes Lexa tries very hard to touch her face and Clarke tries very hard not to let her, both of them laughing and pushing each other. Somehow Lexa ends up with her fingers knotted into Clarke’s hair and their faces inches apart.

It happens a lot, them finding themselves a little too close to each other while bantering or cuddling on Lexa’s couch or doing anything really. The moment always ends as quickly as it’s started, one of them pulling away with an awkward laugh and now is no different as Clarke steps back and lets the same breathless chuckle she always does.

“Come on, nerdo, I’m hungry!” Lexa blinks and suddenly Clarke’s at the front door, purse in her hand. “I intend on eating my weight in pancakes and you promised to pay!”

\--

They’re at their favorite coffee shop and Clarke’s on her third blueberry pancake. Lexa’s picking at her muffin, mostly drinking hot chocolate and watching Clarke with an amused expression as her friend tells her between bites about the two other dogs besides Madonna she met on her jog.

“Raisin was so fluffy and cute, you’ve got no idea,” Clarke gushes. Her mouth is still full and there’s blueberry jam on her upper lip and Lexa can’t stop looking at it. “And I’m so angry his owner didn’t let me take a photo of him, like dude, what’s your problem, it’s not like I’m gonna steal your dog or anything… Which I probably should have cause god knows the pup deserves better.”

“Any dog deserves better than someone who’d name it Raisin,” Lexa muses and Clarke slaps her arm lightly.

“Shut up, I think it’s adorable.”

“Yes, I am, thanks for noticing,” A voice interrupts her. Both of them raise their heads to the familiar source. Octavia Blake, one of the shop’s owners and a previous classmate of Clarke’s, stands in front of them, grinning proudly.

“O!” Clarke squeals, swallows her bite quickly and shoots upwards to hug her. Octavia hugs back, laughing in her ear. “What are you doing here, I thought you were going to stay in DC for a while.”

“Yeah, well…” Octavia shrugs and bites her lip a little, trying and failing to hide her smile. Clarke’s eyes widen and she points at the unoccupied seat next to her with wild hands.

“Oh, you’re not getting out of this one, Blake, tell me everything!”

Octavia readily sits down, her shy smile turning into a full blown grin. Lexa knows she started pre-med along with Clarke but dropped out sophomore year when she realized it wasn’t what she wanted. Instead she started working at the bakery her brother worked at and with his diligence and her business sense they managed to open a quaint little coffee shop of their own.

“I met somebody there,” Octavia admits, her whole body practically vibrating with excitement. “Her name is Raven and she’s a car mechanic.”

“Oh, so she’s good with her hands,” Clarke winks conspiratorially and Lexa can’t help the snort of laughter that escapes her. Octavia blushes a little and Clarke lets a cheerful “Aay girl!” and nudges her shoulder. “Do you have a photo?”

“Well, actually she came back with me,” Octavia says. “And I’m going to officially introduce her to Bell this evening but I was thinking of throwing a party tomorrow so if you guys want-”

“We do!” Clarke nods eagerly. “We do and we’d love to meet her. Right, Lex?” She turns to Lexa with a hopeful smile and Lexa can’t help but smile back at her.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Great,” Octavia nods happily at them. ‘And oh, um.” She rubs her neck like she’s uncomfortable all of a sudden.

Clarke furrows her eyebrows. “You okay, O?”

Octavia purses her lips before she practically bursts. “Her first words to me were _Hey, can you hand me the screwdriver?.”_

By the way Clarke’s mouth drops Lexa can guess exactly what the sentence means. Their table becomes a little too quiet all of a sudden.

“Oh,” Clarke finally says. “Oh, wow.”

Octavia has an almost painful expression on like she regrets saying it. “Clarke-” She starts.

“I’m happy for you,” The blonde interrupts her with a little too wide smile.

“Really?” Octavia doesn’t seem convinced.

“Of course I am, O. God, you’re one of my best friends, of course I am,” And Lexa can see she’s genuine about it, just a little shaken. Clarke stands up. “Excuse me, I’ll be back in a second.” Lexa wordlessly moves her legs from Clarke’s way and even though she really wants to go after her, she knows Clarke needs some time alone so she just stares after her long after the blonde’s disappeared behind the women’s restroom door.

“Fuck,” Octavia’s mumble makes her turn back to the girl. She seems really distressed and Lexa tries to cheer her up as best as she can.

“Listen, Clarke is very happy for you, you should know that.”

“Right,” Octavia replies sarcastically.

“No, she really is. It’s just that, you know, turns out two of her classmates met their soulmates this last week and now you, and- you know.” An awkward silence follows and Lexa curses herself for saying anything when suddenly the other girl’s eyes meet hers and she’s surprised at the fierceness there.

“What about you?”

Lexa blinks, momentarily confused. “What about me?”

“Where’s your soulmate?”

The question seems too blunt and straight-forward, almost hostile, like she’s challenging her to something and Lexa can’t understand for the life of her what’s going on. She tries to suppress the thought of Clarke’s sparkling blue eyes that she’s unconsciously began to associate with the word.

“Well, I haven’t met them yet, obviously.”

“Haven’t you though?”

Okay, what?

“Octavia, I don’t-”

“I don’t think Clarke’s upset because she hasn’t met her soulmate yet,” Octavia leans forward on her elbows and fixes Lexa with a glare like this is somehow her fault.

Lexa stares back at her helplessly. “I don’t understand, she is obviously-” She starts but Octavia stands up without giving her a chance to talk.

“I need to go help my brother,” She says then narrows her eyes. “Think about that shit, Lexa.” 

Well then.

\--

Lexa picks Clarke up because her mom’s still at work and has the car but even if she didn’t, Lexa loves driving Clarke around and Clarke loves riding with her, changing the radio station every two minutes, rummaging through the glove compartment for candy Lexa always leaves for her and then sticking the plastic wrappers into Lexa’s hair. However, this ride in particular is a little too quiet. Clarke keeps staring out of the window, responding with one word answers to everything Lexa says, and Lexa feels really fucking miserable.

“We can always call and say one of us isn’t feeling well and go back to my house to eat ice cream and watch _RuPaul’s_ ,” Lexa offers at a red light.

Clarke gives her a tired smile. “It’s okay,” She says. Then, after a long pause. “I’d be a really shitty friend if I made her feel guilty for being happy.”

“No, you wouldn’t be, she’d understand.”

“She shouldn’t have to,” Clarke replies with an air of finality. “Please, just drive.” And she turns her head back to the window.

Lexa has the sinking feeling Octavia’s not the only one Clarke’s mad at.

\--

They’re a little late for the party but only a little. Bellamy and Octavia’s apartment isn’t that big to begin with but now with so many guests in it, it’s nearly suffocating. Monty, a junior student Clarke and Octavia know from the drama club at college, opens the door for them and smiles impossibly big when he sees them. Clarke tries her best to smile back but Lexa sees her stiffening when he hugs her. She remembers the blonde told her a few days ago he was the one who met his soulmate in a shelter when he went to adopt a cat. Monty exchanges pleasantries with Clarke before retreating back to his boyfriend who’s leaning on the counter talking to Bellamy. The boyfriend, Miller, wraps an arm around Monty like it’s the most natural thing in the world and it feels a bit like a kick to the gut. Clarke is pointedly checking her nails when Lexa  looks at her.

Bellamy is cutting cheese rather aggressively on the counter but as soon as he sees them, he immediately abandons the knife and the cutting board.

“Hey there, Clarke,” He gives Clarke a long, bear hug and kisses the top of her head. Lexa has seen him treat Octavia the same way. “Lexa, I’m glad to see you,” He smiles and gives her a shorter, but just as kind hug.

“Feeling’s mutual,” She smiles back.

Bellamy runs a hand through his thick curly hair. “O and her girlfriend must be here somewhere,” He mutters and sure enough, they see her in the corner of the room, holding a gorgeous brunette’s hand and talking to another equally attractive darker girl.

Lexa gives Clarke an unsure glance and the blonde grabs her by the elbow. “Come on,” She prompts and the two of them approach the trio tentatively.

Octavia’s eyes shine like she’s about to cry when she sees them. “Hey, glad you could make it!” She chokes a little and Clarke literally hurls into her arms.

“Of course we’d make it, you dork,” Lexa hears her murmur affectionately.

The brunette attached at Octavia’s hand smiles softly at them and when they part, Octavia nods slightly towards her. “Guys, this is my girlfriend Raven. Ray, this is Clarke and Lexa.”

Raven shakes hands with each of them and Lexa thinks she reads a _Uh, yeah, ’f course_ on her wrist.

The dark girl waits patiently for them to introduce themselves to one another and then smiles directly at Lexa.  Who suddenly feels somehow uncomfortable and the tips of her ears a little too warm.

“Oh, yeah,” Octavia waves a hand enthusiastically. “This is Costia, the newest addition to the coffee shop. She’s amazing honestly.”

Costia gives her a grateful smile then looks back at Lexa. Okay, why is she so pretty?

“I, um,” She mumbles, “nice legs- I mean, _nice dress._ ” Oh God, what. She can feel Clarke looking at her weirdly with the corner of her eye and she wants to throw up just a little.

The girl’s eyes widen before she gives Lexa the most dazzling smile. “Why not both though?”

Every cell in Lexa’s body stops functioning.

\--

It’s Clarke’s sixth shot of tequila for the night. She’s also had two glasses of vodka and coke but that’s beside the point. Everything’s beside the point. Her mind is fuzzy and nothing makes sense anymore. Half of the people are drunk, probably drunker than her and she feels pretty wasted. Jasper Jordan is asleep on the kitchen table and there’s a party hat on his rag of a hair. Monty and Miller disappeared ages ago somewhere in the apartment and so did Raven and Octavia. Harper and Monroe are playing UNO on the floor in the living room. Bellamy is still cutting cheese and John Murphy silently takes a piece from time to time.

She can see Lexa and Costia on the balcony from here, elbows propped on the handrail, faces close to one another, talking about something. They’ve been in this position so many times, Lexa and her, close enough to kiss. And yet, they never have. Clearly, this is what Lexa has been waiting for. For Costia. For her soulmate.

It’s so fucking stupid, Clarke thinks as her trembling hand tries to pour herself a seventh shot of tequila. Everything is so fucking stupid.

Somebody takes the bottle out of her hand and she raises her eyes to meet Bellamy’s disapproving gaze.

“I think you’ve had more than enough, Clarke,” He says, worry etched into his expression.

“Fuck off, Bell,” She drawls, extending her hand to get the bottle back and letting it fall on the table with a heavy thud, too exhausted to do anything else.

He puts the bottle on the counter behind him where Murphy keeps eating cheese and sits next to her.

“Wanna talk about it?”

Clarke shakes her head mutely.

“Is it about Lexa?”

She pauses for a second. Her inhibitions are obviously not very strong when she’s drunk so much. She nods.

“This girl is her soulmate,” Clarke offers, dragging her words a little. But hey, for someone who’s had this much alcohol, she thinks she’s doing pretty great.

Bellamy stares silently at the two figures on his balcony for a while. “So what?” He finally says.

Clarke looks at him incredulously. “Whaddaya mean so what? They’re soulmates,” She waves her hands for emphasis. “I can’t compete with tha’.”

Bellamy shrugs. “They don’t have what you and Lexa have.”

Clarke shrugs back. “It’s only a matter of time before they do.”

“I think you’ll find soon enough that’s not true.”

Okay, enough of this. Clarke stands up on unsteady legs. “I need to clear my head,” She mumbles.

Bellamy stands up as well. “Alright.”

“ _Alone_.”

“Clarke, that’s not a good idea.”

“I just need a few minutes to m’self, okay? I’ll be ‘round and I promise to scream very loudly if someone attacks me.”

\--

Lexa finds her just outside Bellamy and Octavia’s building, sitting down, arms and legs wrapped around a tree.

“Hey,” She says.

“Hey,” Clarke replies.

“What are you doing there?”

Clarke shrugs. “Connecting with mother nature.”

“Great,” Lexa nods before sitting on the other side of the tree and wrapping her arms and legs around it as well. Their fingers touch just barely, only by the tips, and Clarke thinks she feels the soles of Lexa’s flats against hers.

The two of them sit like that for a few minutes and when Clarke breaks the silence, her voice sounds far more vulnerable than she’d like. She thinks she musters the courage to speak because the trunk prevents her from looking Lexa in the eye.

“Did you ask her out?”

Lexa waits a little before answering. “No, she did.”

Clarke takes a breath and leans her forehead on the tree. _Don’t cry_ , she tells herself, _don’t cry,_ but her body, it seems, is kind of uncooperative when she’s drunk. A tear escapes her eye before she manages to suppress it.

“So,” Her voice sounds kind of watery and she hates it, “how does it feel to meet your soulmate?”

She thinks Lexa hugs the tree tighter because their fingers are definitely touching now.

“Good,” Lexa admits. Then, “But it doesn’t compare to the real thing.”

Clarke whips her head upwards so fast she almost smacks her face in the tree.

“Your soulmate _is_ the real thing,” She says.

“Do you really think so?” Lexa sounds skeptical.

Clarke scrunches her eyebrows, forgetting Lexa can’t see her. “What do you mean do I really think so, you were with her until three minutes ago. Don’t you know what you’re feeling?”

Lexa huffs a laugh from the other side. “I think I’ve known for a long time.” Clarke hears the scraping of shoes then Lexa appears in her line of sight and sits right next to her. The blonde feels her limbs relax around the tree. “But I never thought I’d have a chance.”

Clarke turns to her a little faster than she’s comfortable admitting. Her heart is beating violently against her ribcage and she wants to vomit but that might be the alcohol.

“What are you talking about?”

Lexa looks her in the eye and gives her a half-smile. “I’m talking about going on dates, driving around. Sending each other pictures of cute dogs. Basically all the things that make it a relationship, without the marks.”

Clarke just stares dumbly at her. It's not the alcohol.

“That’s okay,” Lexa nods but the hurt and disappointment are evident on her face. “Maybe that’s not such a good idea.”

“Wait,” Clarke interrupts her. “Are you telling me we’ve been in a relationship this whole time and I didn’t know?”

“Um,” Lexa tries. Fails.

“Okay, maybe I did know,” Clarke mutters to herself. “But what about Costia?” She looks back at Lexa.

“We talked. She wasn’t very thrilled but she understood. Said she hopes I’m very happy.”

“I wanna say I’m sorry,” Clarke feels her eyes lowering to Lexa’s lips. “But I’m really not.” She feels herself leaning in. “Really, _really_ not.”

Lexa smiles gently at her, mouth opening a little to meet hers then suddenly she pulls back. “Wait.”

Clarke already has her eyes half closed and it’s harder than she thought to open them again. “What’s wrong?”

“What about your soulmate?” Lexa sounds oddly vulnerable when she asks that. “What if you meet them and change your mind?”

Clarke can’t help rolling her eyes. “Oh my god, Lexa. I’ve already met them. She spilled coffee on me three years ago.”

The grin that almost splits Lexa’s face in half has Clarke groaning. “Honestly I’m the drunk one, I should be acting like a dumbass.” The other girl just keeps grinning at her. “Will we ever get to kiss, preferably before one of us dies?’

Lexa wiggles her eyebrows suggestively. “Wanna try me, princess?”

\--

Lexa kisses her and it’s perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> find me crying about everything at griffinedclarke.tumblr.com


End file.
